Marriage Sanctuary

Dealing With The Other Woman

When you find out about and confront your husband about an affair he has been having, one of the issues is dealing with the lover. Now an affair does not mean the end of a marriage. By talking to each other you and your husband can agree to commit and work at fixing your marriage.

In most cases, initially the husband does not end communication with the lover. So dealing with the other woman can be looked at from two perspectives. The first is confronting her about the affair, which I do not usually advise. The second is dealing with the other woman when your husband ends the affair and she goes berserk out of scorn and starts to infringe on your privacy.

In the case where you discover the affair and your husband admits but does not stop contact even after you ask him to do so, some women call the other woman. Now calling the other woman requires you to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally. She may or may not be friendly. There are cases where the other woman has been so rude and unbecoming that the wife later regretted calling the other woman. I usually do not advise this as I believe your marriage consists of you and your husband. Deal with the issues in your relationship between the two of you and leave out anyone who is not part of your marriage. If you need help then get a professional.

The other disadvantage to contacting your husband’s lover is that it creates the impression that your marriage is falling apart and you are desperately trying to save your relationship with your husband but her presence is preventing that. Some women with loose morals will use this to their advantage and that can really cause more harm to your already vulnerable marriage. If you do contact the other woman, then it is important that you only do so once, say what you have to say and then let it go. I am strongly against contacting her in the first place, however for some women it is part of the healing process. Whether you contact the other woman or not, it is vital to start efforts to recovering your relationship with your husband and working to fix the marriage.

The other side of the coin, is when your husband ends the affair and the other woman is not ready to accept that she has been jilted. This particular scenario can get very messy. The other woman resorts to making your life miserable as “punishment” for your husband walking away from her. She can resort to calling your husband or your home at all hours of the day or night or stalking. When a lover resorts to this kind of behaviour it is important for your husband to perform his duty as a man and protector and make sure he protects his wife and family against this person. He is responsible for the mess but this is no time for blame or criticism as this will not be helpful for your marriage. If the jilted lover is displaying this kind of behaviour it may be wise to get the police involved or hire security to protect your home and your children. Though rare, there have been cases where children have been harmed by a jilted lover. As long as you or your children are connected to your husband, you are a threat for this woman and she will go to any length to get you out of the way. This makes it very dangerous for you and your children.

It is important to get the third party out of the relationship and begin to restore your marriage. The knowledge of an affair in itself is a traumatic experience already. When the other woman makes her presence felt, it is even worse to deal with. This is why I advise not to contact the other woman. It is also important for you to remain calm if a jilted lover is scornful after the affair is ended.

It is clear that infidelity causes a lot of pain and grief and it is important to seek counselling not only for the couple but for the children as well if there are children involved. These things do happen and when they do, though easier said than done, it is of extreme importance to remain calm and rational. It is also necessary to work as a team in order to tackle the issue of the other woman and help recover your marriage.

This Week’s Assignment:

Talk to your husband on ending communication with the other woman and how to deal with any potential threats from this person should they react to being dumped. The next step is to agree on how to move forward in your relationship and marriage.